What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 05:12
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When she asked me how she looked .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Is BPD real or just an excuse?
I was very sick at this time too.
We all went to grammer schools
I was scared of men, in general
Why do some people dislike Gilmore girls?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She loved him until the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What’s wrong with anti-imperialism?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
How can I handle my distrust and jealousy for my partner?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She married twice! .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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This is soul school!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Are you able to lie, even though you have Aspergers?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Comes on , in middle age.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My life is so biszare .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It was going to be , some day.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Put me off passion for life!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im still living with it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She was in good health!
I never cut or harmed myself..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I waited trembling.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But, we were locked up after school.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I have no regrets .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I think the readers, may guess!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He knew the spot.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I don,t even have a pension.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I said to her
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Would this be the day?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I will be 64.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She found it foreign!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My family never makes their pension either.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Who then, do I blame.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I write beautiful poetry .
So, i spoilt her more .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Was to survive, this bastard.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So whats the point in blame.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was 9 years of age.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i do to all so called friends.?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
What did i know ?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot live in the past .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She wouldn,t have been !
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But it wasn’t much.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ive learnt so much.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We were not on the streets..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And i lived it daily.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was seconnd youngest,
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!